Welcome 2011

Image:  Nuttakit

31 December seems to go hand in hand with pressure to finish off the outstanding niggling tasks, clean the house, better yourself, and do everything that we "should" be doing.

I decided a while ago that I wouldn't make new year's resolutions, because if I really want to do it, I would rather just start now, but this year is slightly different - mainly because I have been toying with the concept for a little while, and because I believe that it is a necessary step to getting closer to my ultimate goals.

So, in the spirit of the season, I've cleaned the house, organised the paperwork, changed the linen and planted some seeds in the garden. Having a 2-year old pretty much nixes my party plans for the evening, which is just fine - I don't like travelling on New Year's Eve. I have a bottle of champagne to share with my husband later and my new year's resolution is (*drum roll please*) to step out of my comfort zone.

I intend to stretch my comfort levels this year and just put myself out there. I don't really mind about the outcomes, so long as I practice being in situations that are going to encourage growth.
So, whether you are a believer in NY Resolutions, or prefer not to commit yourself to a resolution, I wish you a fantastic 2011.. with love, laughter, fabulous people, and enough growth opportunities to keep you stimulated and engaged!

Quoting Oprah Winfrey: ‎"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right."

Happy 2011!

Off the comfort couch

I haven't written in a while.  I have a tendency to focus on one thing at a time (if I can help it), and I have made a commitment to stepping out of my comfort zone.  This week I have been asking for discounts.  I've been particularly cheeky about it, too.  Personally, I have never liked asking for discounts.  Come to think of it, asking for anything makes me squirm. 

Image: Xedos4

That said, I am asking for discounts in a non-apologetic, nice way.  And surprise, surprise, I'm GETTING them!  It's a wonderful learning - firstly that people are accommodating and helpful by nature, and that they want to have a pleasant encounter; secondly, the way that I put things out there greatly affects what I get back. 

I quite like it - it is a way of reaching out to other people and benefitting.. I don't mind if I don't get a discount, I'm just feeling pleased that I've asked.. the actual discount feels a little like a bonus!

I am keen to hear about other suggestions for stepping out of my comfort zone.  So far, the experience has been a great one!

Bite Sized

I am going to share a case study with you.  Before you think that I'm breaching my very strict ethical code, I'll let you know who the case study is.. it's me. 

It is so easy to assume that life coaches have all their ducks in a row, and that the solutions come naturally (I'm hoping they do after time, because life would certainly be a lot easier), so I'll share my process with you in the hopes that you realise that when you are stuck in a problem, there is usually a solution, and that you are more often than not equipped with the answer.. it's just a matter of realising this for yourself, which life coaching can help you do.

The goal: I've been wanting to lose weight for a long time, and have struggled for a whole bunch of things related to my miscarriages and stress, etc.  After about 5 years of gaining weight between pregnancies, I found myself about 20kgs overweight. 

When I would think about dieting, it seemed like such a huge amount of weight to lose, and like I'll never get it done, and so I would give up before I even started.  There were also lots of challenges to prevent me from even starting, like time (I was busy starting up a business and looking after my toddler), health (I was identifying with my symptoms for a while - being a "miscarrier" and "insulin resistant" kind of defined me) and emotions (I was overwhelmed by the amount of weight, and punishing myself for having got to this stage, and not valuing myself enough to prioritise exercise, etc). 

It was recently - just after my 9th miscarriage that I decided that I've had enough of not being the person I was supposed to be in all areas, not just mentally!  So I am applying my coaching learnings to my situation. 

I've reflected on the challenges, and the payoffs, and the value and reasons for my wanting to achieve my goal (positive reasons, not based on negativity).  I have broken down the goal into bite sized chunks, so that I could aim for something acheivable, knowing that I am more likely to stick with a big goal if I can see some measurable progress along the way and reward myself for the smaller goals.. I started off with a pedicure, to get myself feeling good even before I've begun so that I can practice making time for myself (housework be damned) and it gives me the kick start to achieving my goals.  I am 3kgs lighter now, and I realised that this is already over 10% of the weight that I need to lose - in a really short space of time. 

Now that I'm kind of hitting the plateau, I'm rewarding myself for keeping up the effort, by buying a few items that I can take in when I've lost weight, but that fit me beautifully right now.  It helps keep me feeling good as I lose cm's rather than kg's. 
This all sounds simple enough and I am wondering what is different from the other times I've given up after a week or two?   The main difference for me is that I have given myself an A+ - rather than waiting to lose the weight before I feel good about myself, I've begun feeling good about myself for the effort, rather than the achievement - this is in line with the belief that there is no failure - there are learning opportunities (or, as a friend calls them, AFGO's - Another (erm) Freaking Growth Opportunity). 

I am excited about achieving my goal because I am doing it for the right reasons - I want to look congruent with how I feel about myself. I am not trying to lose weight because I don't feel good about myself right now - I just want to have more fun doing physical things like playing with my son and feeling full of beans.  Shedding kilo's will make that easier for me. 

So, as I up my game to get over this plateau, I am enjoying the feeling that comes with dancing around in a gym class (I'm loving Nia at the moment - our teacher, Andrea Cibrario makes us do things like "ninja fly" and "jazz steps", which keeps me distracted from the burn).  I'm enjoying that I'm no longer making things that are not as important a priority.  Watch this space...

The Neighbourhood

I took a slightly different route this morning to get to Truth.Coffeecult to do my blogging (writing is apparently easier when you have a lovely coffee in hand).  I took the time to look around and take in the new places that have seemingly popped up overnight.  What I realised is that the neighbourhood is really very different from what I remember.  I have no idea of what treasure troves are around the corners and down the little side streets, but from what I saw, getting to know these new shops will be great fun (if not slightly alarming to the credit card). 

After making this wonderful discovery, I got to thinking that we are like that too, in a way.  We think we know ourselves and our limits and our resources (or other people, for that matter), and we stop paying attention and checking in regularly.  While we're focused elsewhere, we are continually growing, changing and adapting.. whether consciously or not, and before we realise, we have lost touch with the gems that are just down the side street and around the corner of our brain, and we continue believing things about ourselves that were out of date since lime green and purple was a popular fashion trend.

So, just as I would recommend having a good stroll around the neighbourhood and taking a different route so that you are aware of the things around you, and open to the novelty of your environment, I think it is an excellent practice to check in with yourself regularly and not assume that you know yourself, just because you've been living with you for your entire life.. 

Examine your assumptions, check in to see how you are feeling or responding in situations - challenge yourself to see how strong you have become.. Just like the wonderful vintage shops that I have discovered, there are brilliant little gems that you've picked up along the journey that you don't even know about yet! 

Keyboard of Life

 I had a little moment the other day.. I swear I was totally sober at the time.  I started looking at my keyboard and came up with a metaphor for life.  I thought it was novel and possibly interesting enough to share it with you guys. 

Keyboards are made of lots of letters and numbers.  They respond to our input, and can make up any multitude of ideas, concepts, communications, etc - both negative or positive.  The keys (like our environment) are an instrument of our input, and the result is a direct reflection of our mind at the moment of creation.  Our world (as we see it) is a direct reflection of our mindspace - so when you are happy, all the birds are singing, people smile at you, and when you are miserable, those fluffy white cottonwool clouds turn grey and ominous, and the bluebirds of happiness are sitting in those trees looking as though they want your eyeballs for breakfast. 

I then looked at the side keys.. things that are important to us in many ways - Space, fn, direction, ctrl, esc, home.  It is really difficult to create anything meaningful without these.  (I drew a bit of a blank with page up, down, tab and caps lock, and then realised that even the arb characters in our life can be useful in their place). 

Then we have something that is really useful to identify the important things in our life (or communications) - the Shift key.  We can use it to prioritise things - like Important Places, TONE OF VOICE, even reveal things that we don't think are important.  Shift to me would be a great name for a coaching practice.. because we try to effect paradigm shifts, shifts in consciousness, shift in our way of being, capitalise something that was previously unnoticed. 

So, at your very fingertips is the universe - you can create what you want, delete what you don't, put your thoughts out there, or keep them to yourself.  You can reach out and touch someone, or wage a war with words.  It's really not so different from 'real life' after all, is it?

END (for this post, anyway)

The culture of competition

As I watch my son grow up and develop, I am constantly amazed at how much he learns from one day to the next.  I know theoretically about the learning curve at this age (he's 20 months now), but to see it in real life is totally humbling.  I put him in creche when he was 14  months, and was mortified when he was put into the 'nest' with the babies because he couldn't yet walk.  It's not that he COULDN'T walk,  it's really that he didn't want to walk on his own.  He would only walk when he held someone's hand.. it was a confidence thing more than anything else.  Still, it was my first realisation that he might not be the absolute best at everything (okay, really, the realisation wasn't about Joshua, who is perfect in every way.. it was more about me not being the best at everything, because I would have taught him to walk if I knew how to teach him a bit better). 

Image: Paul Martin Eldridge

(Cue the dramatic music)... Enter the first realisation of a nasty little emotion that I had, up till now, been able to deny quite effectively.. I'm competitive.  Yes, my friends will read this and laugh, thinking - "you only realised this now?" but, in my defense, I can justify quite well. :)

This is a difficult thing for me to reconcile, because I believe that competitiveness is an undesirable trait of our culture.  I don't believe it is a natural thing for people to be competitive, because ultimately it generates 99 losers for every 100 people, and as social beings, we would get much further working together than antagonistically.

Competition dictates that if you are not first place, your efforts are not worthwhile.  Even if first place got 85 and you got 84.5, that 84.5 in a competition suddenly went from a triumph to a "so close", all because someone else did better.   It's a thought process that dictates: I can only win if I make others losers.  Where is the logic in that??

Competition is the antithesis of abundance and, in my opinion, a major factor in our lack of self esteem as a society.  The problem is that when people are led to believe that they're less than the fantastic uniquely wonderful beings that we are, we either don't realise our potential, or we hide our light, or try to bring down others so that we have company in our imagined mediocrity (mediocrity loves company even more than misery..)

I read somewhere:  If you want to be incrementally better: Be competitive. If you want to be exponentially better: Be cooperative.

I invite you to join me in finding ways to be cooperative to achieve our goals. I would love to know what you are achieving by working with others!

Blogging

Blogging is difficult.  Writing is easy(ish), but putting my thoughts out there for all and sundry to read (and possibly judge) is difficult.  How this translates is that I sometimes put it off.. I start a number of posts, and then let myself be distracted by the other things that are going on in my life. 

So I am sitting at Truth.coffeecult, with Adin Van Ryneveld and a whole bunch of other very cool people.  He's organised these blogging gatherings to motivate fellow bloggers to actually get writing.  The fact that it is working shows me that yes, sometimes you DO need the frills (like good coffee, great music, fab company and oh so divine Daniela's Deliciously Decadent macarons) to get something done. 

Another thing that hints to me that Adin may be onto something is that every single person who is sitting inside here has a laptop!  I feel quite cool, really!

So, blogging does not necessarily have to be a lot of (ahem) slogging. If I am to walk the talk, and treat myself as I do my clients, I am going to be incorporating balance in my life by doing the work in an environment that appeals to my other senses, and get some intelligent adult company fix at the same time.

In fact, another benefit of today is that Adin has shown me how to import my blogs to my Facebook Page (Chadwick Coaching), so now you can be super lazy efficient and only sign up to my FB page to read all my musings.. that is, when FB repairs the link..

Synchronicity

Image: Salvatore Vuono

About two years ago, when I was 4 months pregnant with my son, Mike & I were driving home when we saw a man being attacked by two others. He was being thrown to the ground and no-one was stopping to help. I was terrified. Normally, I'm the first to want to help on a scene, and I did a first aid course specifically so that I could help someone in this situation. But, being pregnant after such a long time of trying unsuccessfully, I was scared. Mike, who is normally the one who doesn't want me in the thick of things, said to me "babe, we HAVE to stop - this guy is going to get killed".

I knew he was right, and I knew that if I didn't stop, I would regret it for the rest of my life, fearful or not. So we stopped, and made a loud noise, and the muggers ran away. The guy was in adrenaline mode, and actually got up and tried to chase them, but he was older, and bleeding. I called to him to please come back and let the security (who was now on the scene in full force) chase the criminals. The guy came back - he was in his 50's, and had been stabbed 5 times.

Inexperienced as I was, I took out my first aid kit, asked permission to tend to him, put on my gloves, and co-ordinated the people to call the ambulance, and find someone more experienced at first aid than I was. I cleaned the wounds and made conversation to make sure that my 'patient' was not in shock. He told me where he was from (about 3 hours from town), and that his wife was not expecting him. He asked me not to call her, because he didn't want to worry her unnecessarily.

I convinced him to let me call her anyway, because as a wife, we want to be able to trust that our family is okay, and it would be awful to find out after the fact. She didn't answer the phone, so I kept her number and would keep trying.

He had been stabbed 5 times in his chest, arm, neck and back. Myself and a more experienced first aider cleaned him up and I reported his wounds to the paramedics when they arrived. As the ambulance took him away, I managed to get hold of his wife. I explained what happened and reassured her that he was not in a critical condition.

I was exhausted and emotional as Mike & I drove home. I hadn't felt any movement from my baby in a while, and I rubbed my tummy and spoke to Josh. I asked im to please give me a good kick so I could know he was ok. He responded with a fabulous nudge.

This isn't even the remarkable part of the story yet.. a couple of days later I phoned to check up on how the guy was doing. He was recovering well, and would be back home that evening. I started to chat with the wife, and said that I knew another person with the same first name as her in the area.. and I'd never heard of the place before then. I asked how big it was, and if she perhaps knew my friend. She asked for the surname, and I told her. She paused, and said, "Janet Chadwick?" (I hadn't told her my surname).. it turns out that I had helped the husband of a fellow coaching student, who lived 3 hours away, and had just moved from Natal to Cape Town.

I was on the edge of crying for about a week after that. It is very difficult to feel like we are all alone or that there isn't a greater purpose to our lives when the universe acts in ways that defy coincidence.

That brings me to yesterday. My husband sent me this arb link about not putting laptops on your lap, because the heat can damage your skin. It's called Toasted Skin Syndrome, and it looks like a weird mottled tan. I teased him about sending me bizarre links. That afternoon, I was visited by a great friend of mine. After catching up, she told me she had this strange rash on her stomach, and that the doctors were totally confused by it and had no idea what it was. They originally thought it was a fungus as she had recently been travelling to exotic places. She showed it to me. It was Toasted Skin Syndrome. I was amazed. I asked her if she had been hugging a hot water bottle regularly, and she had... after months of treatments and a referral to a dermatologist (she is due to go this week), we could put her mind at ease a bit by realising what it was.

When I feel like I'm isolated, or not connected to the outside world, I remind myself that when we simply remove our blinkers for a moment, there are powerful reminders out there of how we are here for a reason.

Living



Peacock @ the zoo



Since our son was born almost two years ago, my husband and I decided to expose him to the wonders of the places around us - all the outdoors things that we can enjoy as a family. 

What a fabulous privilege for us!  Our son has motivated us to actually live beyond our four walls, and move away from our computers.  It's not always easy - sometimes I would prefer to stay at home and play Starcraft (hahaha, like that ever happens anymore), or get the housework done, or do something "productive".  Sometimes it is difficult to summon the energy, but the idea of his reaction to the novel surrounds gets us out there. 

The world around us has so very very much to offer, and today we had decided to go to the zoo.  We saw lots of animals: deer, zebra, peacocks, tigers and lions.  Joshua was excited most by the zebra and the lion, because he recognised them from the books that he has. 

While Josh was running around the grass with my husband, I stood underneath a tree with white flowers, and a breeze picked up, making the petals fall to the ground like snowflakes.  In that second, I had a perfect moment of serenity.  I realised that in even the smallest things that we do for others, we are rewarded by the universe, even when the act is reward enough.   

I believe that we live in a benevolent world, and that there are opportunities everywhere that are just waiting to be enjoyed.. whatever your reason!

My life on paper

I'm always kind of amused when I stop for a moment and evaluate my accomplishments, or when someone says that they envy me. 

As you may have picked up from my other blogs, I'm a bit self critical.  Then again, I don't think that I'm alone in this.  From what I've noticed, I'm perfectly normal in that trait, unfortunately.  There are very few people I know (and maybe that is just the company I keep) that are not harder on themselves than they would be on anyone else, or that anyone else is on them. 

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

So when I think of myself, I see the geeky young girl who was kind of shy and a bit of an outsider, whose favourite place was the library on a saturday morning when they would read children's stories. I never really knew what I wanted to do, and I didn't really enjoy school, never getting 'A's or 'B's until I did my Psychology degree. 

I have never really left that girl behind, although I'm pretty good at faking social ease when I have to (See my Socialising blog for more on that).  So, when I see myself as an adult, I often struggle to realise that I'm no longer unsure of what I want to do (or who I am, for that matter) and that I am moving towards my goals at a rather scary speed.

I am always amazed when I hear people confess that they envy my life or my achievements because the reality is that I live a far from glamorous life... in the mornings I do housework and write (sometimes), in the afternoons I play with my son and coach.  At night I find time to connect properly with my husband between cooking, cleaning and preparing for Josh's school the next day.

Yes, I absolutely do love my life.  I am thrilled to pieces when I have an article published in a magazine (to the extent that I want to pull the magazine open at every shop I find it, and point to my picture, and go "That's ME!"), and I am ecstatic that, after 4 years, I am pursuing the career that I've always wanted - i.e. helping people to realise their dreams. 



The reality is that it is difficult, because the growth of my practice is slow, and I am impatient.  The writing is also lonely work, and I often have to dig deep to get the motivation to continue in the hopes that there will be people out there who will be inspired by what I write. 



Image: Graur Razvan Ionut





So, when I am feeling a bit stuck, I will list in my head the things that I HAVE achieved, and I realise that at the time I didn't always think I would make it, but I did it anyway.  I am not better than you.  If I can achieve my goals, or at least get pretty close, then so can you.  It's not so scary once you actually start doing it. 

I often think of this quote by Mary Anne Radmacher "Courage doesn't always roar.Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

Laughter

I have been sick on and off for about 10 weeks now (I have a child in creche who keeps bringing home more than his artwork), so when they say laughter is the best medicine, I will vehemently contest this.  For the physical body, at least.  For the soul, however, laughter is the bubble in the champagne, the mirror on a disco ball, the beach weather in the middle of winter (you get the drift).

I am a firm believer in seeing the funny side of almost everything.  This makes for some twisted humour, but I believe that once you can get the joke (even if you are the butt of it), you are halfway to conquering the situation.

Image: graur razvan ionut

There is nothing in life that we can truly control apart from our reaction to it.  You can't make people do what you want all the time; you can't stop crap from happening, or germs from invading your body (unless you have one of those bubble things and are prepared to live in isolation). Life happens - wonderful, crazy, unpredictable and sometimes difficult situations will happen.

I realised not that long ago, after some frustrating interactions, that if I laugh at situations, my life is automatically better, regardless of what happens around me, and I remembered a specific situation a long time ago when I was waiting for a car to move out of a parking spot.  I was indicating and positioned to take the bay, and then the car moved to go in the direction that I was facing.  While they were turning out, another man pulled into my bay.  I was totally affronted! I got out the car and said "you took my bay".   The guy looked at me and said "So?" (for those who understand South Africa geography, I'll tell you that I was in Jo'burg at the time, which will explain the attitude). 

I replied, "well, you need to move!", and he refused, so I got angry.  I got so angry that I said "You.. YOU.. are a.. a... NOT NICE PERSON!".  Then I thought to myself.. of all the colourful insults in the english language, I couldn't even get the sentence grammatically correct, nevermind think of something suitably scathing.   I started to laugh.   I don't know whether it was the fact that I was supposedly too innocent to swear at the guy even when livid, or if it was that I looked like a lunatic, but the guy apologised and moved.  

When we have disagreements with the world and things are not happening as they "should", I find that I am so much happier when I remember that if I treat life as a game, I can live as I play.  We don't have to take ourselves or our situations so seriously and in fact, I am much much happier when I give up the need to be right, or have things done my way, or try to control my environment. 

That said, I'm still sniffling at the moment and although it is my habit to be quite dramatic when I'm sick and expect some pampering (which, being the mom, I seldom get anymore), I am trying out a new way of being - I'm going to have a great attitude about the cold and be nice instead of miserable.  I will look for things to laugh at instead of being self-absorbed.  I may even enjoy some lovely social time that I may have missed by being miserable..

If that doesn't work, I might just share the gory details with the next telemarketer that asks "How are you, Mrs Chapwack?".. that's bound to get me giggling.
  

File this under TMI?

So this is where we are at with my fertility story.  Having had my son, and waited the obligatory 12 months before we started trying for number two, I had a miscarriage about 3 months ago, after which we have been going through creche syndrome, each taking our turn(s) to be sick (with my turn normally coinciding with Joshua (my son), so I have to suck it up and look after him and be sick at the same time - which is really an enormous achievement, because usually I'm quite dramatic when I'm sick and expect to be brought soup (homemade, of course) in bed, and molly-coddled etc. (Yes, I did use the word molly-coddle, and if you wait a while, I may even throw in a whackadoodle too).


I have not really been paying much attention to my cycle since I miscarried again, because I didn't want to put myself under pressure and the breastfeeding means that I'm irregular, anyway. 


So, with no idea of when I'm due or even when I ovulated, why did I do a pregnancy test today?   My dog Muppet. 

I have noticed a trend.. whenever I am pregnant, she is incredibly affectionate.  She will be all over me whenever I sit down, and want to be on my lap.  Even when I don't have food. 

I went to the chemist to get a test (I don't know why I only got one.. I NEVER just take one..) and I couldn't actually tell.  It looked like there could have been a line there, but frankly the control line was so faint, I wondered how the test line could show at all.  So I toddled off to the chemist again and got test #2.  This time, the control line came up eventually (it took ages), amd my test seemed to be negative.  Until about 5 minutes later, that is.   

So I duly went for a scan, and I'm about 4 weeks pregnant.  Mike & I are super-excited and, as you can see, I take the joy where I can.  After 8 miscarriages, you'd think I'd wait until 12 weeks before sharing the news, but I reckon that the more people know, the more people share in my joy and the more support I will get if anything (God forbid) goes wrong. 

In the meantime, WHOOOHOOOOO I'm pregnant!  I can smell a dog's breath from across the road and I am rushing to the toilet to pee every time I take a sip of water.  I'm also quite a dragon at the moment.  I am particularly unreasonable and grumpy, apart from being ecstatically happy.. I think only people who are pregnant will understand how you can be thrilled and grumpy at the same time. 

Anyway, I'm off to bed at the same time as my toddler.. another good sign. 

Good night all 3 of my readers :P

Silencing the inner critic

Image: Francesca Marino

"If you hear a voice within you saying "you are not a painter," then by all means paint... and that voice will be silenced" - Vincent Van Gogh.  

Change is scary, and the mind is sneaky - it tends to create a million justifications in order to keep the status quo.  One of its methods is the inner critic - the voice inside your head that tells you that your dream is totally impossible; that you are crazy to even consider following that path and that it is much more sensible to continue what you're doing now, and not challenging yourself. 

When I was working at my old job, I would dream of opening my own life coaching practice.  My stomach would do a flip, and I'd tell myself that it was crazy.. here I was - pregnant, earning a decent salary and thinking of giving it up to follow an uncertainty?  Surely I should get clients before I quit my job? 


Sometimes it is sensible to stick with what you have, and sometimes it is just fear talking.  Here's how you can make the choice from an informed rather than purely emotional place.


Clarifying your goals
How clearly can you describe your ideal scenario?   A good practice is to spend 5 minutes with your eyes closed and picturing your ideal future - use as many of your senses as you can. What are you doing? Where are you? Who is with you?  How do you feel? etc.  Once you have a clear vision, write it down and be as specific as possible.   


How to get there
Once you have clarified your goal(s), it is much easier to identify what you need to achieve it.  I would advise starting small and aligning your actions so that they lead towards your ultimate goal.  For example, my goal was to open a practice as a life coach, and so I studied and practiced while I was employed.  I applied my knowledge at work, and although I couldn't feasibly make any changes for a while, I made sure to not lose the vision, and kept making baby steps towards it, making contacts, setting up systems, etc.  I was slowly preparing myself for what I wanted.


10:10:10 principle
When my job was made redundant, I saw this as an opportunity.  Rather than apply for the job that I was confident I would get (it was a promotion from what I was doing before), I decided to be retrenched and use the opportunity to chase my dreams.  To make the decision I applied Suzy Welch's 10:10:10 principle, assessing the consequences of each decision 10 minutes, 10 months 10 years.  (I assessed the short, medium and long term consequences, keeping in mind the future I wanted).

What if you were to work towards your dreams anyway, creating the opportunity for yourself to follow? For example, you might not realistically be able to quit your job or devote the time you need to start a new business, but you CAN start to plan and gather informaion (like phone numbers, names, suppliers, etc) and do all the background things that will keep you focused on your vision, and help speed up the process when you're ready to go for it!


So, what can you do today to help yourself get even closer to your goal?  It may be as simple a start as making a list of what you can do that will move you forward, and then commit 15 minutes a day to doing it! 


Youuuuu can dooooooo eeeeeet!

Images courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Socialising

I have a confession...  I am really quite shy. This will surprise a number of people who know me, because once I am in the swing of things, I seem very at ease with groups of people.  Truth be told, I'm a one-on-one kind of girl that struggles with mingling. 


The Opportunity

Image: Catherine Hadler

This morning I was invited to a writer's workshop by Adin Van Ryneveld (the No Money Guy).  Trying to make sure that I was still in my comfort zone, I got one of my friends to sign up as well, so that I would know at least one person there and thus avoid the dreaded social awkwardness of lurking around clutching my cup of coffee as though it is a shield against the world, and trying not to look desperate as I contemplate actually starting up a conversation with someone.


The 'crisis'
As luck would have it, my friend told me the day before that she wasn't going to make it, and I'd already committed.  Sure enough, I arrived, got some tea, and scanned the room.  There were 190 people huddled in small groups of 3-8 people each.  I felt my body tightening as I imagined myself like a 3D photobomber intruding on the conversational groups.  I thought about getting my cell phone out and using it as a gadgety defense - like holding it meant that I wasn't really out of the group, but rather just too busy to chat to anyone at the moment.

The practice

Image: Francesco Marino

I realised that this was a perfect challenge for me - I am constantly advising clients to face and conquer their fears and I am the kind of person who practices what I preach.  So I sucked it up and looked for other lone souls.  I met a fabulous woman from Wellington - Dawn Jorgensen (Primitiv Vodka - handcrafted ORGANIC VODKA) as I hovered around the water table, and then when we went to sit down, we chanced upon another fantastic soul, who let me pick his brain on Seach Engine Optimisation - Tony Seifert (Webexposure, and Secrets2Success).  

The upside

I also got a chance to meet Adin in person, which was lovely, because although I am introverted and hide behind a computer most of the time, I thoroughly enjoy meeting people and forging new relationships.  ....Of course there was that one time (nothing to do with band camp), when Josh was 4 months, I reached out to help a new mom, who ended up being a crazy Italian woman who decided to tell me that the reason I had my miscarriages is because I wasn't using the "natural billing method" (Is that like an old fashioned whore?).. but that is the rarity, and it is good to get back out there and meet some people who are better than normal - they're like me :).

Images courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

Being centred

At any given time, there seems to be a buzz of activity in my life - Sometimes everything is just a crazy rush.  I put a load of pressure on myself to get things done, and I only have a couple of hours a day to do it, because as soon as I fetch my son, Josh, from creche at 12h15, it's all about him - getting him fed, putting him down for a nap, playing in the garden, etc.  I have found that life is much more rewarding and much less frustrating when I don't try to fit too much into my time with Josh.


Life happens
That said, I find that sometimes stressful stuff will happen moments before I am due to see a client for a coaching session, or things in my life might be nagging at me. It is incredibly important to my functioning as a coach that I am able to have a clear head for my client, because it requires all of my attention!

 Before seeing any client, I need to make sure that my inner voices are silent, so that I can listen effectively to the client and pick up their themes etc, rather than have my inner voice interfering.  This means that I need to be calm and centred beforehand.  

Image: Evgeni Dinev

Centering yourself

This can be as simple as taking time to breathe. I like to sit in my chair, and close my eyes, and breathe deeply and slowly.  I relax my shoulders, and I imagine myself as though I am an observer.  All the thoughts in my head drift past - they are of no consequence and I can release them from my mind. 

 

When a thought comes into my mind while I am trying to be silent, I don't fight it or try to make it go away.  I simply watch them and let them float on by (if it is a persistent thought, I may dismiss it with a "how fascinating!".

This done, my mind is empty of the distractions, and I am able to listen well and focus on all the nuances and whispering of the universe!

Let me know if this is helpful, and if you have any other tips on how to keep yourself calm in a crisis!

Because You're Worth It

I was at gym today, looking at a pair of Havaiana flip flops in the locker room, when I had a realisation about the commercialisation that has invaded our world.  We have such a culture of acquisition and there is a popular slogan that is in adverts nowadays - "Because you're worth it".  This is such a catchy phrase and one that I often use when justifying a purchase that I don't necessarily need (not always consciously), whether it refers to a beautiful dress, or a pair of shoes, cosmetics or anything that may normally be beyond our budget.   This type of commercialism can keep us prisoners of our vanity or allow us to make purchases without really thinking about our needs vs our wants. 

Image: Ahmet Guhler

It got me thinking about what I have that I don't need, or that I purchased it just because I want it, and what goes through my mind when I justify the wants.  I guess that the act of shopping makes me feel good for that moment - like I can afford it and am therefore indeed worth it and I have the immediate gratification of my desires.  It is interesting to me that these are all impulsive and child-like emotions, and so next time that I am about to go on a shopping binge, I will ask myself what emotion I am feeding, and check with myself to see if there is a better way to address it.    Ultimately whatever I buy that isn't a need becomes a burden.  I end up having to store it in my limited space, take time to clean it properly, or work to pay it off, etc. 

SO, today I invite you to join me in updating the slogan - I am going to say "Because I'm worth MORE than this".  I do not need anything more than I have - a wonderful family, a home, my health, my development.  I will spend the energy and time (and money) that I have working on looking after what I have - nurturing myself and my family, because I'm worth more than the commercialism, more than anything that I need to spend money on to make myself feel better. 

We are worth everything great in this world, and worth more than anything you have to buy.

Images from www.freedigitalphotos.net

Abundance - putting my money where my mouth is

Image: Francesco Marino

Abundance seems to be quite the buzzword for the last few years or so.  Especially with professions like coaching.  It's a wonderful concept, and loaded with ubuntu and human connectivity, and all sorts of warm fuzzy feelings.  It is kind of like the world is looking after you. 

So why is it so difficult to put into practice?  Even for me, as a coach, whose mission it is to open minds to the world of opportunity out there, to realise potential, to defeat oppressive thoughts, etc. etc (insert superhero music here), it is incredibly difficult to practice abundance in all areas of my life.

Sure, I am involved in charitable causes, and I would rather give away old stuff than sell it, (switch to self-righteous theme tune), but I am finding myself blocked to the abundance in my career.  Why? because it is important to me that I succeed as a coach (I want others to benefit from it as much as I did€) and I want to be able to support my family with the income that is generated through coaching.  Also, I want to be reassured sometimes that the decision I made to leave my secure job was the right one, and the things I measure that decision against are (a) my happiness (I finally have some balance in my life), and (b) having clients in abundance.

Let me explain...

Image: Filomena Scalise

As a coach, I am a consultant.  I am in a slight catch-22, where I draw inspiration from other coaches, usually who I see as better than me (otherwise what is the point - no-one is inspired by mediocrity).  
Abundance is about having more than enough, and giving it away... I imagine it's like water that way - you can swim in it to your heart's content, and you can wet others with a stylish maneuvre, but if you try to hold it, or keep it, it trickles through your hands.  

The magic about abundance, though, is that you can create it out of scarcity - it's like the movie "Field of Dreams"..(really revealing my age here).. if you build it, they will come.  If you share even when you don't have a lot, you will have abundance.

I struggle to keep the faith regarding practicing abundance, and my petty thought processes creep up and sometimes I want to hoard the spotlight or get competitive.  If I were to do this, not only would I be inauthentic, I'd be denying the very people who have educated, inspired, taught and guided me. 

I learned a great lesson today - through another coach's blog (Tim Brownson - A Daring Adventure) - sometimes we need to act contrary to the laws of logic in order to be true to ourselves.  We can only achieve true success if we are true to our internal values. 

By the way, he's giving away copies of his e-books and has an incredible style of writing (yup, they're FREE - just click here), so I'm inviting you to give his blog a visit, and if you like him enough to follow him, let him know you found out about him through me.  :)

Pictures in this post courtesy of www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Social Platforms

Image: jscreationzs

I have heard it said that social platforms create a false sense of connection, and honestly, I believed that.  In my experience it is easy to include people on FB that you wouldn't usually call, and it has a certain security about it, in that you can 'unfriend' someone without their even being aware of it!  I believed that it was a cheap substitute for a real relationship. 

That said, I am having to eat my words a little.  A week or two ago, I 'met' this guy on facebook, Adin van Ryneveld (aka the "no money guy" - check out his blog here).  Here is someone who is kind of changing the system.  Rather than moving from real-life friends to the kind where you know what is going on in their lives via status updates, he is not only making new friends and real connections from the internet, but also putting his (no) money where is mouth is:   He is relying on the online 'tribe' to meet his day to day needs and giving his money away!   


I have often felt kind of isolated and, not having the energy or time to go out clubbing with my friends (I have a toddler at home), I usually rely on phone conversations and the odd group gathering to provide the one-on-one fix.  Adin's 5 year project got me thinking about how connected we really are.. even through online encounters - the level of involvement is up to you, and nothing connects a person like being asked for help that you are able and happy to provide.


So my practice this week is going to be connecting more authentically with the people I know online, and actually helping where I can.. putting it out there genuinely, and following through.   I'll let you know how it goes!

Images from www.freedigitalphotos.net

Perfection

I am a perfectionist.  I really didn't believe that at first, because I didn't meet all the criteria.  Very ironic, I know.  Anyway, I've thought long and hard about perfectionism, and decided that it is a myth.  Perfectionism is just the voice inside telling me that I am not good enough, or my efforts are not good enough. 

I read a wonderful quote by Vincent Van Gogh - "If you hear a voice within you that says 'you cannot paint', then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced".   Here's what I have to say to myself, and those around me who are fellow perfecitonists (ok, that was a test - if you spotted the spelling error, read on). 

You are good enough
The thing with perfectionism is that it holds us back from truly participating in things, as we want to do everything properly.  If you live by the credo "if something is worth doing, it is worth doing properly", that's cool, but 'properly' for a perfectionist is usually translated into 'perfectly', which means that things must be right, and if you are not right, you're not worthy.  This is a lie.  You are wonderful just as you are.  It's about being, not doing.  You would be worthy as a human being whether you contributed in any meaningful way or not just because your perspective is unique, and therefore valuable. 

I'm not advocating that people stop striving to do things well.  Rather, I invite you to do things well out of joy, letting go of the fear that people will see you in a negative light if you fail, or if you do something less than perfectly.  The challenge here is to participate, not to conquer.

Letting go
Put yourself out there with your flaws - you will grow from doing things, not doing things correctly.  We learn and grow from our challenges and mistakes, not from being fearful of failure.  It's interesting to analyse where the perfectionist root comes from.  Why do we need to do things well?  If you can let go of the usual answers and justifications about why something out of place is so upsetting, then you will be closer to the truth, and closer to being able to let perfectionism go.

Treating yourself with kindness
If your best friend were critical of her efforts, what would you say to him/her?  It is a good thing to treat yourself as your best friend - with love, honesty and kindness.  When you start to recognise that voice inside you telling you that you cannot paint, silence it by acknowledging it is there, recognising it as a liar, and simply start doing what it tells you is impossible. 


"How Fascinating"
One of my favourite books is by Rosamund and Ben Zander - The Art of Possibility.  They have a wonderful way of reacting to things that we might view as mistakes - "How Fascinating!".  A mistake is not a bad thing unless you don't learn anything and let it steal your sense of humour. 


So I invite you to join me in letting go of the perfectionism, treat ourselves as we would our best friend, and just put yourself out there in experiencing the world - things might not always go to plan, and that is the moment when the most fascinating stories can unfold!

Getting started

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It can be really intimidating starting a new project.  In fact, any change can be a little overwhelming, even when it is a positive thing. 
I changed careers at 34, to become a life coach.  I left a good job at an awesome company in order to follow my dreams.  It was incredibly scary and also the best move I've ever made. 

I'm sharing with you the processes that we all usually go through, and what I have found works for me!


In the beginning..
Robert J McKain said - "Getting momentum going is the most difficult part of the job, and often taking the first step is enough to prompt you to make the best of your day". A really useful piece of advice would be to gain momentum in the right direction! There's no point going full steam ahead on the tasks that aren't going to get you anywhere. So - before you get going, write down what you want to achieve.

Procrastination
People put off things when they are overwhelmed or not sure what to expect.  It helps to prepare yourself beforehand (like gathering info you might need, or getting the tools together) and commit to making small amounts of progress regularly, especially if it is a mammoth task.  Once you have begun, it is much easier to continue making progress - it takes far more effort to get the wheel moving than to keep it rolling.  So, break the task down into little 15 minute chunks, and do one thing at a time.

Distractions
Life is full of tedious and wonderful distractions.  The trick is to know when you're using your time well, and when you are being sidetracked from what you have set out to do.  You don't need to fight the interruptions or ignore all telephone calls - just commit to returning to the task at hand.  If you are find your attention is totally lost once you break focus, then take note of the new task, and return to what you were doing.
This is when the 15 minute tasks are helpful (if you are really hyperactive/busy, then break your mountains of work into 5 minute chunks so that you can come back to it between other things).  Soon, you will have made at least some progress, which is hugely motivating, and usually inspires more progress!

Just do it
Go on, there's nothing to stop your desk and mind from being cleared.. you have everything you need to just do it!


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