My life on paper

I'm always kind of amused when I stop for a moment and evaluate my accomplishments, or when someone says that they envy me. 

As you may have picked up from my other blogs, I'm a bit self critical.  Then again, I don't think that I'm alone in this.  From what I've noticed, I'm perfectly normal in that trait, unfortunately.  There are very few people I know (and maybe that is just the company I keep) that are not harder on themselves than they would be on anyone else, or that anyone else is on them. 

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So when I think of myself, I see the geeky young girl who was kind of shy and a bit of an outsider, whose favourite place was the library on a saturday morning when they would read children's stories. I never really knew what I wanted to do, and I didn't really enjoy school, never getting 'A's or 'B's until I did my Psychology degree. 

I have never really left that girl behind, although I'm pretty good at faking social ease when I have to (See my Socialising blog for more on that).  So, when I see myself as an adult, I often struggle to realise that I'm no longer unsure of what I want to do (or who I am, for that matter) and that I am moving towards my goals at a rather scary speed.

I am always amazed when I hear people confess that they envy my life or my achievements because the reality is that I live a far from glamorous life... in the mornings I do housework and write (sometimes), in the afternoons I play with my son and coach.  At night I find time to connect properly with my husband between cooking, cleaning and preparing for Josh's school the next day.

Yes, I absolutely do love my life.  I am thrilled to pieces when I have an article published in a magazine (to the extent that I want to pull the magazine open at every shop I find it, and point to my picture, and go "That's ME!"), and I am ecstatic that, after 4 years, I am pursuing the career that I've always wanted - i.e. helping people to realise their dreams. 



The reality is that it is difficult, because the growth of my practice is slow, and I am impatient.  The writing is also lonely work, and I often have to dig deep to get the motivation to continue in the hopes that there will be people out there who will be inspired by what I write. 



Image: Graur Razvan Ionut





So, when I am feeling a bit stuck, I will list in my head the things that I HAVE achieved, and I realise that at the time I didn't always think I would make it, but I did it anyway.  I am not better than you.  If I can achieve my goals, or at least get pretty close, then so can you.  It's not so scary once you actually start doing it. 

I often think of this quote by Mary Anne Radmacher "Courage doesn't always roar.Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow."

Laughter

I have been sick on and off for about 10 weeks now (I have a child in creche who keeps bringing home more than his artwork), so when they say laughter is the best medicine, I will vehemently contest this.  For the physical body, at least.  For the soul, however, laughter is the bubble in the champagne, the mirror on a disco ball, the beach weather in the middle of winter (you get the drift).

I am a firm believer in seeing the funny side of almost everything.  This makes for some twisted humour, but I believe that once you can get the joke (even if you are the butt of it), you are halfway to conquering the situation.

Image: graur razvan ionut

There is nothing in life that we can truly control apart from our reaction to it.  You can't make people do what you want all the time; you can't stop crap from happening, or germs from invading your body (unless you have one of those bubble things and are prepared to live in isolation). Life happens - wonderful, crazy, unpredictable and sometimes difficult situations will happen.

I realised not that long ago, after some frustrating interactions, that if I laugh at situations, my life is automatically better, regardless of what happens around me, and I remembered a specific situation a long time ago when I was waiting for a car to move out of a parking spot.  I was indicating and positioned to take the bay, and then the car moved to go in the direction that I was facing.  While they were turning out, another man pulled into my bay.  I was totally affronted! I got out the car and said "you took my bay".   The guy looked at me and said "So?" (for those who understand South Africa geography, I'll tell you that I was in Jo'burg at the time, which will explain the attitude). 

I replied, "well, you need to move!", and he refused, so I got angry.  I got so angry that I said "You.. YOU.. are a.. a... NOT NICE PERSON!".  Then I thought to myself.. of all the colourful insults in the english language, I couldn't even get the sentence grammatically correct, nevermind think of something suitably scathing.   I started to laugh.   I don't know whether it was the fact that I was supposedly too innocent to swear at the guy even when livid, or if it was that I looked like a lunatic, but the guy apologised and moved.  

When we have disagreements with the world and things are not happening as they "should", I find that I am so much happier when I remember that if I treat life as a game, I can live as I play.  We don't have to take ourselves or our situations so seriously and in fact, I am much much happier when I give up the need to be right, or have things done my way, or try to control my environment. 

That said, I'm still sniffling at the moment and although it is my habit to be quite dramatic when I'm sick and expect some pampering (which, being the mom, I seldom get anymore), I am trying out a new way of being - I'm going to have a great attitude about the cold and be nice instead of miserable.  I will look for things to laugh at instead of being self-absorbed.  I may even enjoy some lovely social time that I may have missed by being miserable..

If that doesn't work, I might just share the gory details with the next telemarketer that asks "How are you, Mrs Chapwack?".. that's bound to get me giggling.
  

File this under TMI?

So this is where we are at with my fertility story.  Having had my son, and waited the obligatory 12 months before we started trying for number two, I had a miscarriage about 3 months ago, after which we have been going through creche syndrome, each taking our turn(s) to be sick (with my turn normally coinciding with Joshua (my son), so I have to suck it up and look after him and be sick at the same time - which is really an enormous achievement, because usually I'm quite dramatic when I'm sick and expect to be brought soup (homemade, of course) in bed, and molly-coddled etc. (Yes, I did use the word molly-coddle, and if you wait a while, I may even throw in a whackadoodle too).


I have not really been paying much attention to my cycle since I miscarried again, because I didn't want to put myself under pressure and the breastfeeding means that I'm irregular, anyway. 


So, with no idea of when I'm due or even when I ovulated, why did I do a pregnancy test today?   My dog Muppet. 

I have noticed a trend.. whenever I am pregnant, she is incredibly affectionate.  She will be all over me whenever I sit down, and want to be on my lap.  Even when I don't have food. 

I went to the chemist to get a test (I don't know why I only got one.. I NEVER just take one..) and I couldn't actually tell.  It looked like there could have been a line there, but frankly the control line was so faint, I wondered how the test line could show at all.  So I toddled off to the chemist again and got test #2.  This time, the control line came up eventually (it took ages), amd my test seemed to be negative.  Until about 5 minutes later, that is.   

So I duly went for a scan, and I'm about 4 weeks pregnant.  Mike & I are super-excited and, as you can see, I take the joy where I can.  After 8 miscarriages, you'd think I'd wait until 12 weeks before sharing the news, but I reckon that the more people know, the more people share in my joy and the more support I will get if anything (God forbid) goes wrong. 

In the meantime, WHOOOHOOOOO I'm pregnant!  I can smell a dog's breath from across the road and I am rushing to the toilet to pee every time I take a sip of water.  I'm also quite a dragon at the moment.  I am particularly unreasonable and grumpy, apart from being ecstatically happy.. I think only people who are pregnant will understand how you can be thrilled and grumpy at the same time. 

Anyway, I'm off to bed at the same time as my toddler.. another good sign. 

Good night all 3 of my readers :P

Silencing the inner critic

Image: Francesca Marino

"If you hear a voice within you saying "you are not a painter," then by all means paint... and that voice will be silenced" - Vincent Van Gogh.  

Change is scary, and the mind is sneaky - it tends to create a million justifications in order to keep the status quo.  One of its methods is the inner critic - the voice inside your head that tells you that your dream is totally impossible; that you are crazy to even consider following that path and that it is much more sensible to continue what you're doing now, and not challenging yourself. 

When I was working at my old job, I would dream of opening my own life coaching practice.  My stomach would do a flip, and I'd tell myself that it was crazy.. here I was - pregnant, earning a decent salary and thinking of giving it up to follow an uncertainty?  Surely I should get clients before I quit my job? 


Sometimes it is sensible to stick with what you have, and sometimes it is just fear talking.  Here's how you can make the choice from an informed rather than purely emotional place.


Clarifying your goals
How clearly can you describe your ideal scenario?   A good practice is to spend 5 minutes with your eyes closed and picturing your ideal future - use as many of your senses as you can. What are you doing? Where are you? Who is with you?  How do you feel? etc.  Once you have a clear vision, write it down and be as specific as possible.   


How to get there
Once you have clarified your goal(s), it is much easier to identify what you need to achieve it.  I would advise starting small and aligning your actions so that they lead towards your ultimate goal.  For example, my goal was to open a practice as a life coach, and so I studied and practiced while I was employed.  I applied my knowledge at work, and although I couldn't feasibly make any changes for a while, I made sure to not lose the vision, and kept making baby steps towards it, making contacts, setting up systems, etc.  I was slowly preparing myself for what I wanted.


10:10:10 principle
When my job was made redundant, I saw this as an opportunity.  Rather than apply for the job that I was confident I would get (it was a promotion from what I was doing before), I decided to be retrenched and use the opportunity to chase my dreams.  To make the decision I applied Suzy Welch's 10:10:10 principle, assessing the consequences of each decision 10 minutes, 10 months 10 years.  (I assessed the short, medium and long term consequences, keeping in mind the future I wanted).

What if you were to work towards your dreams anyway, creating the opportunity for yourself to follow? For example, you might not realistically be able to quit your job or devote the time you need to start a new business, but you CAN start to plan and gather informaion (like phone numbers, names, suppliers, etc) and do all the background things that will keep you focused on your vision, and help speed up the process when you're ready to go for it!


So, what can you do today to help yourself get even closer to your goal?  It may be as simple a start as making a list of what you can do that will move you forward, and then commit 15 minutes a day to doing it! 


Youuuuu can dooooooo eeeeeet!

Images courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Socialising

I have a confession...  I am really quite shy. This will surprise a number of people who know me, because once I am in the swing of things, I seem very at ease with groups of people.  Truth be told, I'm a one-on-one kind of girl that struggles with mingling. 


The Opportunity

Image: Catherine Hadler

This morning I was invited to a writer's workshop by Adin Van Ryneveld (the No Money Guy).  Trying to make sure that I was still in my comfort zone, I got one of my friends to sign up as well, so that I would know at least one person there and thus avoid the dreaded social awkwardness of lurking around clutching my cup of coffee as though it is a shield against the world, and trying not to look desperate as I contemplate actually starting up a conversation with someone.


The 'crisis'
As luck would have it, my friend told me the day before that she wasn't going to make it, and I'd already committed.  Sure enough, I arrived, got some tea, and scanned the room.  There were 190 people huddled in small groups of 3-8 people each.  I felt my body tightening as I imagined myself like a 3D photobomber intruding on the conversational groups.  I thought about getting my cell phone out and using it as a gadgety defense - like holding it meant that I wasn't really out of the group, but rather just too busy to chat to anyone at the moment.

The practice

Image: Francesco Marino

I realised that this was a perfect challenge for me - I am constantly advising clients to face and conquer their fears and I am the kind of person who practices what I preach.  So I sucked it up and looked for other lone souls.  I met a fabulous woman from Wellington - Dawn Jorgensen (Primitiv Vodka - handcrafted ORGANIC VODKA) as I hovered around the water table, and then when we went to sit down, we chanced upon another fantastic soul, who let me pick his brain on Seach Engine Optimisation - Tony Seifert (Webexposure, and Secrets2Success).  

The upside

I also got a chance to meet Adin in person, which was lovely, because although I am introverted and hide behind a computer most of the time, I thoroughly enjoy meeting people and forging new relationships.  ....Of course there was that one time (nothing to do with band camp), when Josh was 4 months, I reached out to help a new mom, who ended up being a crazy Italian woman who decided to tell me that the reason I had my miscarriages is because I wasn't using the "natural billing method" (Is that like an old fashioned whore?).. but that is the rarity, and it is good to get back out there and meet some people who are better than normal - they're like me :).

Images courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

Being centred

At any given time, there seems to be a buzz of activity in my life - Sometimes everything is just a crazy rush.  I put a load of pressure on myself to get things done, and I only have a couple of hours a day to do it, because as soon as I fetch my son, Josh, from creche at 12h15, it's all about him - getting him fed, putting him down for a nap, playing in the garden, etc.  I have found that life is much more rewarding and much less frustrating when I don't try to fit too much into my time with Josh.


Life happens
That said, I find that sometimes stressful stuff will happen moments before I am due to see a client for a coaching session, or things in my life might be nagging at me. It is incredibly important to my functioning as a coach that I am able to have a clear head for my client, because it requires all of my attention!

 Before seeing any client, I need to make sure that my inner voices are silent, so that I can listen effectively to the client and pick up their themes etc, rather than have my inner voice interfering.  This means that I need to be calm and centred beforehand.  

Image: Evgeni Dinev

Centering yourself

This can be as simple as taking time to breathe. I like to sit in my chair, and close my eyes, and breathe deeply and slowly.  I relax my shoulders, and I imagine myself as though I am an observer.  All the thoughts in my head drift past - they are of no consequence and I can release them from my mind. 

 

When a thought comes into my mind while I am trying to be silent, I don't fight it or try to make it go away.  I simply watch them and let them float on by (if it is a persistent thought, I may dismiss it with a "how fascinating!".

This done, my mind is empty of the distractions, and I am able to listen well and focus on all the nuances and whispering of the universe!

Let me know if this is helpful, and if you have any other tips on how to keep yourself calm in a crisis!

Because You're Worth It

I was at gym today, looking at a pair of Havaiana flip flops in the locker room, when I had a realisation about the commercialisation that has invaded our world.  We have such a culture of acquisition and there is a popular slogan that is in adverts nowadays - "Because you're worth it".  This is such a catchy phrase and one that I often use when justifying a purchase that I don't necessarily need (not always consciously), whether it refers to a beautiful dress, or a pair of shoes, cosmetics or anything that may normally be beyond our budget.   This type of commercialism can keep us prisoners of our vanity or allow us to make purchases without really thinking about our needs vs our wants. 

Image: Ahmet Guhler

It got me thinking about what I have that I don't need, or that I purchased it just because I want it, and what goes through my mind when I justify the wants.  I guess that the act of shopping makes me feel good for that moment - like I can afford it and am therefore indeed worth it and I have the immediate gratification of my desires.  It is interesting to me that these are all impulsive and child-like emotions, and so next time that I am about to go on a shopping binge, I will ask myself what emotion I am feeding, and check with myself to see if there is a better way to address it.    Ultimately whatever I buy that isn't a need becomes a burden.  I end up having to store it in my limited space, take time to clean it properly, or work to pay it off, etc. 

SO, today I invite you to join me in updating the slogan - I am going to say "Because I'm worth MORE than this".  I do not need anything more than I have - a wonderful family, a home, my health, my development.  I will spend the energy and time (and money) that I have working on looking after what I have - nurturing myself and my family, because I'm worth more than the commercialism, more than anything that I need to spend money on to make myself feel better. 

We are worth everything great in this world, and worth more than anything you have to buy.

Images from www.freedigitalphotos.net

Abundance - putting my money where my mouth is

Image: Francesco Marino

Abundance seems to be quite the buzzword for the last few years or so.  Especially with professions like coaching.  It's a wonderful concept, and loaded with ubuntu and human connectivity, and all sorts of warm fuzzy feelings.  It is kind of like the world is looking after you. 

So why is it so difficult to put into practice?  Even for me, as a coach, whose mission it is to open minds to the world of opportunity out there, to realise potential, to defeat oppressive thoughts, etc. etc (insert superhero music here), it is incredibly difficult to practice abundance in all areas of my life.

Sure, I am involved in charitable causes, and I would rather give away old stuff than sell it, (switch to self-righteous theme tune), but I am finding myself blocked to the abundance in my career.  Why? because it is important to me that I succeed as a coach (I want others to benefit from it as much as I did€) and I want to be able to support my family with the income that is generated through coaching.  Also, I want to be reassured sometimes that the decision I made to leave my secure job was the right one, and the things I measure that decision against are (a) my happiness (I finally have some balance in my life), and (b) having clients in abundance.

Let me explain...

Image: Filomena Scalise

As a coach, I am a consultant.  I am in a slight catch-22, where I draw inspiration from other coaches, usually who I see as better than me (otherwise what is the point - no-one is inspired by mediocrity).  
Abundance is about having more than enough, and giving it away... I imagine it's like water that way - you can swim in it to your heart's content, and you can wet others with a stylish maneuvre, but if you try to hold it, or keep it, it trickles through your hands.  

The magic about abundance, though, is that you can create it out of scarcity - it's like the movie "Field of Dreams"..(really revealing my age here).. if you build it, they will come.  If you share even when you don't have a lot, you will have abundance.

I struggle to keep the faith regarding practicing abundance, and my petty thought processes creep up and sometimes I want to hoard the spotlight or get competitive.  If I were to do this, not only would I be inauthentic, I'd be denying the very people who have educated, inspired, taught and guided me. 

I learned a great lesson today - through another coach's blog (Tim Brownson - A Daring Adventure) - sometimes we need to act contrary to the laws of logic in order to be true to ourselves.  We can only achieve true success if we are true to our internal values. 

By the way, he's giving away copies of his e-books and has an incredible style of writing (yup, they're FREE - just click here), so I'm inviting you to give his blog a visit, and if you like him enough to follow him, let him know you found out about him through me.  :)

Pictures in this post courtesy of www.FreeDigitalPhotos.net